


Two Swords

by orphan_account



Category: Gintama
Genre: Drabbles, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-05-13 23:45:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5721541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okita and Hijikata throughout the years in the Shinsengumi</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dojo

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: unbeta-ed, English as a second language and not a new material. 
> 
> A couple of years ago I wrote a very bad fic about shudō with an awful plot and ended up deleting the whole thing, here's the cut version with some changes and corrections. I'll add the chapters gradually.

_Thorny_

In the heat of the summer, Hijikata struggled to walk on the dusty road, feeling even more drenched by sweat with each movement. His feet were dirty and his medicine package was getting heavier and heavier. He wanted to spend some time at the dojo and had walked all the way from the last village of his delivery round. His breaking point was near but then, he spotted a couple of trees ideal for shelter.

Under the vast branches full of leaves, his exhausted mind wandered again to the last alcohol-filled night, where Kondo had shared his naive dream of making it to the capital. Hijikata had dismissed the whole thing but that stupid idea was growing on him and soon he found himself wanting more than ever that Kondo would ask him again. He felt suddenly sad, having the feeling that his new friend and his brother would've got along well.

Why was he thinking about that now?

"Tch..."

Although he had been a stupid pain in the ass for most of his short existence, recently his life seemed to be taking a new turn, for the best. The desire to prove himself worthy of something had been encouraged and apparently his stubborn personality and fighting spirit matched well with Kondo. He realized however that he wasn't as skilled as most men at the dojo, even if he could still defeat all of them with his wild strength and because he had sworn to never lose again.

Of course that excluded Kondo... and the brat.

The spoiled little sadist was the most naturally talented swordsman he ever saw, sometimes during practice or a fight he even wondered how the kid would fare against city trained samurais and intuition was telling him that the little prick could surely hold his own.

He watched the leaves moving slowly, a small breeze brushed his face, a welcomed break from the heavy and suffocating heat, and he closed his eyes.

 

"Toshiro-san?"

He woke up with a start. He hadn't heard them approaching, two pairs of red eyes and sandy hair. Still dizzy from his semi consciousness he stared at the siblings who stared back strangely, surprise and bemusement all over their faces. He frowned and spoke before the situation could get awkward.

"What are you doing here?"

The spell was broken and Mitsuba laughed her light and warm laugh, "I think we could ask the same question."

He sat and looked around, slightly embarrassed, "I fell asleep."

"Obviously." She was smiling now and had her cunning air that made him so often uncomfortable. He stood up, rearranged his yukata and put his medicine pack on his shoulder.

"We're going to the dojo too, shall we walk together?"

She was still looking at him and he felt even more scrutinized, finally he mumbled a vague yes. When he glanced at the brat, the red eyes shot him the usual death glare.

"Go ahead I'll join you."

He felt dirty and wanted to wash his feet and face, not even looking at her he walked through the grass down to a small pond he had located before. The water was murky and greenish and he only dipped his feet. The sun was burning his skin again, he dried his face with his sleeve and wiped the mud off his legs. When he turned around he already knew who had followed him, but having nothing to say he didn't bother and the brat didn't either. He let the sun dry his feet before putting his sandals on.

The brat seemed oddly fascinated by what he was doing and Hijikata knew that it wasn't a good sign, the kid was creepy, nothing like his sister and yet he just looked like a smaller version of her. He splashed some water on Sougo's face and, as expected, curses just flowed out of his mouth.

"Bastard...stop that..." But he calmed himself rather quickly only to stare down at him, "You better have worked on your footwork."

"I'm quick, cancels it."

"That's not the way to do it!"

"Shut up."

Hijikata stood up and reached back the road, the other following at a safe distance. Mitsuba was walking only fifty feet away, waiting for them to catch up. The harsh sunlight facing him made her a hazy flowing silhouette.

"You can't beat me, you never will."

He didn't have to look at him to know the crimson eyes were burning and suddenly he blurted it out without thinking, "I've killed before."

The initial intention was to only shut him up but Hijikata immediately regretted the brash words. That wasn't something he was proud of, he had no reasons to brag about it and certainly not before a child. That was stupid and immature and when he glanced at Sougo he felt ashamed, he might be a sick kid but  _some_  remaining innocence still filled his eyes.

"Sou-chan, Toshiro-san… It's not nice to make sensei wait!"

She was smiling again, all kindness and innocence too. And Hijikata sensed is chest tightening when she looked at him, because he was a fool. A fool for even having dared thinking he could have someone like her.

Him, a killer.

_Okita Senpai_

She had cried her heart out, probably the whole night. Sougo was certain because usually she could hide almost everything when her spirits were low. Today was different, for both of them, and for the first time in his life he felt like killing someone. In fact he knew exactly who he wanted to cut into pieces because he was glaring at that person right now. Cold, indifferent, unreachable.

_Hijikata you heartless bastard._

They were going to Edo and she was staying here. He couldn't stand it. Why was this guy always stealing his happiness, yesterday they were all on cloud nine and now it was all gone. The worst part was that he would've accepted it for her sake, he would've accepted his presence at her side.

Hijikata had avoided him during the whole practice, refusing each fight or contact and hiding his face behind the protective mask. No doubt because the man was aware of how fired up Sougo was, like everyone else in the dojo that afternoon.

There was a succession of violent, quick strokes and then his voice shouted.

"Next.”

Again his favorite combination, fast on the left shoulder then the right then his shinai two centimeters from whomever throat was in front of him, all while reading the fear on their faces. Whatever, it could be worse, he was able to crush them without blinking, it was  _that_  easy.

Now Sougo was contemplating his work, men hurting, panting and sweating, exhausted and bruised bodies displayed on the wooden floor. He scanned around searching for him, then pointed his shinai to the bastard’s chest.

"Next.”

But Hijikata didn't move or say anything, he just pulled out his mask and for the first time that day Sougo could see his eyes, even barely, and they were hollow just like hers.

Before leaving the bastard locked those grey eyes on his, "You are a great swordsman."

If it was possible Sougo hated him more, because this was the first time he had ever acknowledged him when all the others had already recognized his superior skills years ago. And because those eyes just told the truth, that Hijikata wanted her happiness but ended up ruining all her hopes.

He couldn't stand it, he wouldn't.


	2. Burn

Sougo was strolling without a clear direction along the walls of the corridor leading to the garden, he tightened his obi around his waist and his katana for the hundredth time since they arrived here. But soon he found himself at the limit of his patience and went straight to the enclosed yard that bathed in harsh rays of light. He leaned against the frame of the opened shoji and sat on the floor, allowing the sun to burn his face and he could feel the sweat running down his temple, his nape was already drenched, the droplets slowly descending along his back under his hakama.

The formal attire was killing him, sticking against his skin but he still asked for more, settling on the most scorching place of the Matsudaira residence. A challenge against nature. His lips curved disdainfully; it was all bullshit, but his obstinacy was unlimited and with the stifling air everywhere, the idea of fighting fire with fire was the challenge he wanted. Until his body would give up.

The smell came before everything else, the one he couldn't stand due to ten thousand and hundred reasons Sougo was too impatient to count, or recount for that matter; because coming to Edo meant to be occupied, body and mind, and two years ago he had found out he could let days pass without thinking about Mitsuba. That was the only thing he ever felt guilty about in his entire life.

He squeezed his eyes shut, "Are you even allowed to smoke here?"

Hijikata was approaching and even if Sougo could only hear the leisurely steps, he knew the man was also bored out of his mind. The way he walked, the way he 'Tch'-ed, the way his restlessness radiated from him. And it sucked to think they actually had something in common but Kondo-san had insisted for them to be here and the underlings had complied.

He heard Hijikata sigh, without a reply, and walked past him, doing whatever he was doing which was in reality sulk. The geezer's house was huge but in no need of protection and not huge enough for country bumpkin samurais and their insatiable urges to fight. This was another thing they had in common. But as soon as the young Vice-Commander changed pace and disappeared behind a corner, Sougo forgot about him.

Hijikata wasn't someone worth his attention.

A laugh erupted from the far end of the house and he knew at least his mentor was having a good time. That laugh strangely echoed in his mind long after it vanished, while the minutes passed with nothing remarkable occurring except the noises of cicadas and that terrible sensation of spontaneous combustion growing inside of him. With his face dripping with sweat now, glowing red, the more he stayed immobile like this under that deadly star, the more he could taste it. Rot and nausea. He sat there like a corpse waiting decomposition and wondered if those corpses buried in Edo's communal grave had reached that part yet. Corpses of men he had killed.

There was another laugh and it was a salvation, Sougo snapped open his eyelids, standing abruptly but nearly collapsed right after. He grabbed the burning wood of the door frame, it hurt his palm but he hold tighter and pushed himself further under the shelter that the house offered, desperately in search for an air conditioner.

He ended up in the geezer’s library. As soon as he closed behind him he sat on the ground, head against the door, ready to doze off. When he woke up the clock indicated than only ten minutes had passed, and it was enough to get his brain to function again. He stood up, watching the books in front of him, took one or two in his hand just for the sake of it. The room was cool and even if it was refreshing, the weird sensation in his stomach hadn't faltered. Sougo couldn't understand how Kondo-san could drink alcohol with such a heat outside.

Another book landed in his hands, with a simple title,  _Bushidō._ That would occupy him for a while. Sometimes Sougo wondered what would his life have been had he not drop out of school. He was getting the minimum education required though, mostly due to Kondo-san's insistence. His mentor still felt guilty, at times, about leading him on a path of violence, but he couldn't give a shit about school or socializing; he was a swordsman, nothing more, nothing less and a ruthless one at it.

Sougo knew the Commander had freaked out last month, like everyone else and even if he was adulated by Kamiyama, he could see in the men's eyes the new him, his image reflecting like a mirror. At barely sixteen he had killed more people than all the new recruits combined and all of them were older than him by at least three years.

He also knew that was something normal people would think about, the killings. That the dead could torment his dreams and should. But he felt nothing of that sort. He felt nothing about being randomly gifted and able to end other people lives so easily. He only had felt dread about being one of the two survivors of the bloody raid in that inn. A defining moment in his young career and reputation. And that feeling, dread, was human, he was still human. Because for all his indifference and lack of empathy towards others, except two notable exceptions, the sight of so many Shinsengumi dead men wasn't something he wanted to see ever again.

Because corpses of good people he knew were also in the process of decomposition at this moment, the only difference with the others was that they had had decent funerals.

The rest was just a blur; good guys, bad guys… nothing was clear anymore, it never was. And Sougo never cared anyway; it was only Shinsengumi dead bushis and Joui dead bushis.

Remarkably simple and yet so complicated.

He turned the pages: Katana, Dojo masters, Kenjutsu schools. Of course Tennen Rishin-ryū wasn't there, not old enough and despised in the city... It didn't work, the reading stuff, and his mind was back on something he shouldn’t think about.

After that event, the only man who didn't look at him with apprehension, fear, suspicion or worry was Hijikata. Probably because the bastard had a mind as screwed up as him and was someone who lived only by the sword and an unbreakable friendship to another man. That big softy Commander had driven them together, sealing a pact for life with that organization; a man that was now earnestly drinking with his sicko superior, in this empty house, few meters away from him. Even someone like Matsudaira had fallen for Kondo-san's kindness. Sougo sneered to himself, Hijikata wasn't kind, he was a heartless bastard.

A new page and his eyes fell on... _Wakashudō_. The page contained pictures of the period before the Amanto invasion. Who said this day should be predictably boring? And who could imagine the old geezer had that sort interest?

Sougo repressed a slight surprised at first because these were some daring images in an overly outdated and boring dusty book. He read the paragraph, not that he was particularly interested, but because that stupidly strange custom had always astonished him. And even more stupid was that sex had to end when the younger came of age.

That was some fucked up rule.

He was from a samurai family and had heard about everything related to them in his childhood. Of course this was something his sister had never told him about, he learned from men at the dojo and most of them weren’t interested by that. Not to mention the Amanto had changed the country's social structure a lot, banning ancient customs and setting new ones. Homosexuality between samurai wasn't taboo, it just wasn't discussed.

He read further, apparently shudō was meant to be more than sex, but all he could gather from that book was that it meant more rules and more again... stupid hierarchic rules. Sougo rolled his eyes, surely Fukuchou would like that sort of stuff...

The door slid open. Well, speaking of the demon. Sougo glared at him, Hijikata was drenched in sweat and obviously had been seeking for an AC too. He could have gone drinking sake with Kondo-san and the big chief, but that was something that uptight prick couldn't let happen. Someone had to be the responsible guy.

"Wanna try going back from where you came from? I wouldn't mind. Really."

Hijikata glared back and his only answer was to slide the door behind him. Sougo lowered his head, ignoring him, and his eyes fell back on the page about samurai and their lewd pastime. He could hide the book, turn the page, close it, anything; and Hijikata wasn't even paying attention, his blue eyes scanning the bookshelves, still bored, he was just walking in the room, wishing he weren't here. Sougo observed him and the thought of launching an attack crossed his mind, but his body couldn't keep up, so he settled for that other thing.

It was so easy to hate that arrogant ass. The hate wasn't mutual, he knew that much, that was a one sided feeling and the boy nurtured it days after days, but Hijikata wasn't keen to improve their awful relationship either. He seemed not to care about what Sougo thought of him, not one bit...

Somehow, the young Captain felt suddenly irritated... Hijikata didn't care either about hurting his sister over and over again, no matter if she didn't know. That's right; the bastard hadn't shied away when the others dragged him along to Yoshiwara on their first day in the capital. After that Hijikata had gone there often and gained a reputation, or so had said the morons at the barracks. Sougo wasn't sure about the veracity of that rumor, these days Hijikata rarely indulged with women anymore.

He dropped the book on the table, carefully ensuring it would stay opened on that particular page, and finally the other deigned a glance. Sougo crossed his arms and leaned against the bookcase, "Don't you think that's disgusting?"

So here they were, Hijikata staring at the pictures, Okita staring at him.

"Why should I?"

 _Why? Indeed_... And why he didn't either? Why was it the opposite actually? He cut that train of thought immediately, like he always did, not even realizing doing so. Provocation was his choice.

"Say Hijikata-san... between us, how would that be? I'm your senpai, right? And younger. How does that fit into the wakashu-nenja rule?"

"You are disgusting."

"Senpai-kōhai is a lifelong bound, I demand respect."

"You ain't gettin' any from me."

"Hmm... Speaking of respect, how do they call you these days?  _Oni_...?  _Oni no Fukuchou_."

Hijikata shook his head, "I'm proud of that name…"

"As I thought."

Now he was staring right at Sougo, "You know... sadists usually don't have nice endings. They piss off too many people."

If this was an attempt to broach the subject of what happened a month earlier, it was totally unsubtle and totally none of his business. That man had the capacity to piss  _Sougo_  off like no other human being on earth but he would rather eat shit than showing it and, in any case, it was so easy to sound and act unaffected.

"That conversation has derailed so much, just die."

"No, you die first.”

Sougo noticed that Hijikata wasn't angry like usual, his whole body was relaxed. There was a common misconception that the Vice-Commander was always angry, always tensed, at only twenty five no less. But Sougo knew the moments when he wasn't; usually right after a fight when the adrenaline rush went off, or when Kondo-san was happy, or when he was drunk, or when Mitsuba didn't realize she was being observed from the distance by that asshole heartless bastard.

That bastard that was again staring at him. "Can you take it? The pressure." Hijikata asked.

 _There, there_... Prying into other people lives again, thinking there was actually something to talk about, even Kondo-san had received the cold shoulder after one last annoying  _'Sougo, are you alright?'_

"Hijikata-san, what's wrong with you? You know killing does nothing to me."

"I'm not talking about that." The young man was searching in his sleeve for smoke and lighter, "Are you ready to keep your head cool? From now on people will loath us and Kondo-san is going to take all the crap on his shoulders... Can you take  _that_  pressure?"

"Who do you think I am?"

He lit his cigarette, gone was his self-restrain of not smoking in the Superintendent’s summer house. "Our best weapon."

Sougo smirked, as much he hated that man this was a subject they would never disagree over.

He couldn't feel guilty about what happened last month, but he had felt sick over what problems the killings would cause to the Commander. And Hijkata just twisted his stomach enough for him to want to throw up. Or maybe it was only the heat after all? He wasn't worried about the future but certainly the bastard was right on that; Kondo-san had a lot of shit to deal with after and the reason they were here today was indubitably related to the consequences of the Rokkaku inn.

Sougo felt suddenly dizzy, thirsty and for half a second thought of telling the truth about that not innocent inn-keeper he didn't kill. He would, without a doubt, have wounded him, but not killed him; Sougo was one hundred percent certain of that and yet it never occurred to him to blame his subordinate. It hadn't been a mistake, not in those circumstances, but he knew  _he_  wouldn't have killed that man… and he wanted someone to know about that fact… just to ease the weight…

"Oi..."

The pressure was heavy... The pressure of not disappointing his Commander.

"Sougo?"

The deep voice reached his brain, he raised his head and faced a questioning stare and that was enough to push away that momentary stupid idea; he had made Kamiyama swear on his knees, there was no way anyone else should know.

Hijikata was observing with an expression that could easily be mistaken as concern, but Okita knew better: Hijikata couldn't care less... he couldn't... and yet he lifted a hand.

"You don't look so good..."

Walking corpses usually don't. Internal sickness surely must have been visible on the outside too and simply because it was a seldom event concerning Sougo, it was strikingly obvious whenever he was ill. Hijikata’s intention was to touch his forehead, but before the palm could make contact with the skin, his hand froze; the familiar  _click_ of a katana being unsheathed annihilated the gesture.

He retracted his hand slowly but not without scrutinizing Okita's imperturbable face. What Hijikata couldn't see though, was how rigid the fingers were clutched around the scabbard; he didn't realize either that despite everything Sougo had been on the verge to let him see a side of him he carefully hid from everyone else, including the only two people in the universe he respected.

The Vice-Commander slid his hands under his sleeves, his voice cold as ice and the eyes mocking, "As you wish..." And he squeezed his smoke between clenched teeth, while turning on his heels and leaving the room.

Sougo's irritation grew to the next level along with an acute sense of relief; but he didn't care, or wouldn't allow his mind to ask itself about what just happened. The heat was still horrendous even in that room, the heat in his head, and he still felt so sick… Sick enough to rush to the toilets and puke breakfast, dinner and endless bile like he hadn't done since he was nine years old.

And this time Mitsuba wouldn't come to cool down his feverish skin with her soft, motherly hand.


	3. Blade

After only one day at the hospital, without a good night sleep and half drugged with painkillers, Sougo had begged Kondo-san to bring him back to the headquarters. Again, buried deep in his futon, he tried to unwind but all he saw was a red wagon, red eyes, dozens of red eyes. Red and lifeless. Then he thought about his favorite hobby: mental torture, the fastest way to occupy his mind, to get rid of the boredom and obtain quick satisfaction.

That was the sole reason why Sougo dragged himself to the Vice Commander’s quarters, his katana already unsheathed. He wanted to mess with someone's head and, in the end, he got what he wished. He had done something that would haunt him in more ways than he was prepared to and he didn't even try to fool himself to think otherwise.

The morning after, he barely enjoyed the idea that Hijikata was probably in turmoil.

Turmoil meant pain, perhaps even suffering.

He held on that thought as a safety net.

 

"Hijikata-saaan... I'm nineteen and horny… what should I do?"

His iron eyes reflected on the surface of the blade, "You're sick and Kondo-san was stupid to bring you home."

"It's normal behavior and _you_ must have an idea. More than one even…”

"Return to the hospital."

_Just a country bumpkin samurai_...

The Vice Commander was counting the stains, Itou's blood, dried and almost black. He should have cleaned that blade hours ago, it might rust if not taken care of. It will. He had to take care of that blade because it was bound to him no matter what, he couldn't throw it away, the sword and the rest. There were six stains… no… _seven… eight… nine…_ Even if that was all he wanted to do… throw everything away…

"Hijikata-san, Kondo-san always corrects me when I cross the line, why are you letting me do that now?"

The voice was different, filled with curiosity, he glanced around the room. Sat against the door, his katana held tightly in his grip and reposing on his lap, Sougo stared at him and, for once, there was no trace of the habitual mischievousness. Hijikata looked back at his blade but his companion wasn’t done.

"For all the tales about the demon… you're the one who-"

"Shut up."

He put the sword aside with care; at least the brat wasn’t torturing him about those unwashed stains. Hijikata finally gave him his attention while he contemplated the blood-red eyes and the tired, wounded, stubborn young man, with sandy hair shaping his beautiful face and it was almost hurtful to see him in that state just now.

"You look like shit, how did you crawl in here anyway?"

Sougo smirked, "Sheer sadist willpower… you're my favorite victim."

"Tch…"  Hijikata lay down on his futon, exhausted, and covered his eyes with his arm. _Clean it now…_ “Do what you want, but don’t talk..." Sleep, he wanted sleep, but body and mind were too restless for that. He was listening to his own pulse and low movements in the distance and he saw again his blade and the stains. Something brushed his arm and he felt a warm presence. _Idiot... he can't even go back to his room_. Instinctively Hijikata slid to the side to make room for the wounded intruder, having neither the strength nor the will to throw him out.

He fell into a nervous drowsiness.

He was aware of a sensation against his skin. Fingers touching slowly his hand, his arm and his shoulder. The feeling was electric and made him shiver. The fingers continued hesitantly, they sought, slid up and down on his chest. Not knowing why, his own hand joined him and caressed the same way. They remained like this some time, enough so that their hands eventually entwined.

Then Hijikata opened his eyes and saw him. Sougo was leaning above him, looking uncertain. He imagined himself in a dream and it seemed that the young man was waiting for him to say something until he approached, his red eyes were almost black and the wound on his cheek was glowing, Hijikata also noticed other bandages under the yukata slightly undone.

The intense face came closer and the Vice Commander felt his breath on his cheek.  _Stop now_. The red-black eyes closed and his did the same. The thin lips brushed his own. The young man gained confidence after the first contact and the sensation became more urgent.  _Now...before.._.

Hijikata didn’t stop.

 

Sougo sat up, putting his clothes on. Hijikata hadn't said a word and they hadn’t even looked at each other after it was over. Suddenly, he panicked, scanning the room; anxiety invaded him and he felt more naked that he had been all evening.

His katana.

The weapon appeared on his right and Sougo took it firmly in his grip, relieved. But the sword didn’t move.  _Look at him_. He stayed motionless; staring stubbornly at the door, his way out... _Turn around and look at him_.

He knew that the strong hand will retain his sword until they’d fight if he didn’t, he had known that man for half of his life. Resolute, Sougo looked over his shoulder and his feverish eyes bore into an impenetrable grey… or was it blue… The exchange was heavy but Hijikata's face seemed serene. The grip loosened and Sougo felt his katana shifting back to him. He turned quickly, got up and walked out despite the fatigue, the pain revived in his side and the limping legs.

_I won't fall_.

He crossed the hall with a hand on the wall and his weapon to hold him.

_I won't collapse_.

He saw the end of his walk, entered his room, closed the door and his last strength left him as he fell on the tatami while his right hand was still clutching the sword.


	4. Data

Hijikata was massaging his left temple, it might work, it was  _supposed_  to work and help ease the throbbing pain in his skull, "It's not as if it never happened before." They all wore skeptical expressions on their faces and acted rather obnoxiously, in his view at least, as if they had secretly spread the word between them to prevent their Vice Commander to go through with the meeting without a headache.

A small and uncertain voice rose, "Yes... but... three in row, that's brutal."

 _Inoue. Fine. Seppuku tomorrow._ Hijikata reached for his pocket but stopped short, fidgeting awkwardly, it was impossible to smoke here and that was awful.  _Damn rule._ He cast a look aside, "Kondo-san?"

"I agree it's brutal... but we could always hire back Otsu-chan if things get tough again with our reputa-"

"NO!" His and another firm voice shouted in unison and Hijikata didn't have to second guess whose voice it was, Sougo let out a low sigh in the first rank.

"Aaaah! All right... all right! That's not often you two agree on something." The docile Commander was well aware of the necessity of this raid, brutal or not and reputation be damned as long as they took the Joui down.

Hijikata relied on the map behind him to do most of the explanation; all the slow minds that couldn't follow would seppuku once it was over, that was what he decided in a split second. "Squad 1 and 3 will team up, Kondo-san will lead. 2 and 4 with me. 8, 10 and 6 will be the backups here and here. 9 and 7 protect the HQ. Questions?" Some sighs, lots of scowls and two or three attempts nipped in the bud with a single glare. "Fine, dismissed."

They all stood up and the room slowly cleared itself in a dissatisfied murmur.  _What did they expect? That's our job._   _Period_. Sliding the outside door open, he pulled out smoke and lighter. But Hijikata didn't have the time to reflect on his drastic choices and felt a slight discomfort when he recognized the cat-like gait that was approaching.

"Who do I have to kill?"

He didn't want to look at him and faced the cloudy sky, "Idiot, no one should be killed."

After a silence, one of those that were entirely part of theirs interactions now, Sougo walked away. Why did he even bothered talking to him was one more mystery Hijikata couldn't comprehend. He sighed, "Oi... Why you're asking? It's not as if you'll do anything other than what you want."

But the other didn't stop and casually put his hands in his pockets, "Just watch and see."

The man yelped in pain but mostly of shock, that couldn't be helped, he had had the wrong idea to try something as silly as backstabbing. Sougo checked if the others were still breathing, he was even willing to perform CPR on them if necessary. The abandoned complex was plunged into darkness and his senses were acutely aware of footsteps coming near him, his men were still on the floor below and will join the party soon, but there wasn't much time left. He positioned himself before the staircase, knees relaxed, body turned sideways, one hand gripping the scabbard and the other stilled in mid-air.

They dashed like one man with stupid roars and useless swinging, his was the most effective technique and he had polished it like a precious gem for more than a decade. He took three in one stroke... and still no killing.

He went for the next floor while the first squad rushed in.

 

"Okita Taichou has done it again."

As a matter of fact Fukuchou's lighter was dead and Yamazaki heard him cursed for not having matches. The man was constantly irritated lately, even more so than usual, which explained why people were avoiding him even more when he ran out of nicotine or mayonnaise. Finally giving up, the Vice-Commander let the unlit smoke hanging on his lips and he glanced at him, "How many killed?"

"None in fact... but some severe injuries." Which meant those men will never be able to hold a sword anymore.

Fukuchou muttered under his breath, "Where's Kondo-san?"

"Ah... talking to the press I think."

"What already?"

"Yes... but... they're kinda disappointed we didn't dismantle everything."

"Tch... morons!"

Then Fukuchou's eyes widened; the young Captain had joined them and Yamazaki understood why when he looked at him. Okita-san was wrapped in blood, his sword still dripping, and he was showing the blade like a trophy.

"See? No killings."

The blank, bored voice, was still creepy after all these years.

Hijikata was glaring at him, "D'ya want a medal?"

 _That's my cue._  Yamazaki chose this opportunity to flee, unnoticed if possible, dealing with those two was too much to take for his poor nerves.

"Tick tock... time’s up... _Fukuchou_."

 _Yep... better now_. One step after another.

"Here," Fukuchou shoved a file on Okita-san's chest, "Tick tock, time for paperwork!" And he left.

The young Captain suddenly called after him, "Oi Zaki... you do that, I need a drink." And the jerk threw the papers in his hands while leaving too.

"Eh! What? But it's still early and you don't handle well alc-" Yamazaki stopped right there, a murderous aura emanating from the deceitfully calm face was telling him to do the wise thing, "No-... nothing."

All he could do was glancing right and left in panic as both men were walking decidedly in opposite directions.

"Please, submit your question."

"Two men… no… a man and a woman. The man is-"

"A virgin."

Sougo narrowed his eyes, "How many people asked you that before?"

"Searching data. Please wait."

"Oi, stop… I don't care." But the green-haired robot girl was already printing twenty pages of names, dates and quotes before he could even finish the sentence. The snack bar was empty and he had guessed 4 p.m. was too early to get drunk. He had ended up here waiting for the natural perm and managed, easily, to bribe China with a free meal in exchange for a shower. That's why she was currently eating her third portion at the bar, while the old lady owner eyed his stained uniform with a spiteful glare.

Unfazed, he tossed the papers away unceremoniously and proceeded, "So, the man is pure… sort of, and the woman is not… at all. They both want to be happy."

"Happy means sex."

"Exactly. But the man doesn't want the woman to know he doesn't know what to do… no… that he doesn't know  _how_  to do it right. So the woman sort of gets it, without saying anything and then she gives something to the man."

"Something?"

He paused, searching for the right word. "Something nice."

"An orgasm."

Okita snapped his fingers and pointed at her, "You got it... But when the man wants to give something nice too, the woman says he doesn't have to. And the man is sort of relieved about it because…"

"Because?"

Second pause, and this one took a long time, "Because the man is young and scared."

"Scared of the woman?"

"No. Scared that he could do it wrong… he doesn't want to disappoint the woman... because he wants the woman to... never mind. And the woman seems to get it, again. And she makes herself happy with her hand and the man's hand too, but gently…very… so the man doesn't freak out and doesn't behead her. That's it."

She watched him for a long time, apparently robot-maid didn't blink. "Please, submit your question."

He didn't blink either. "Why would a cold-hearted horny bastard refuse a free blow job?"

 

"Processing data. Please wait… Processing data. Please wait… Processing data. Please wait… Relating the incident that occurred during the sexual encounter between - _Two men…no…a man and a woman_ \- my personal data-conclusion has reached two possible interpretations."

Okita emerged from the bench on which he had fallen asleep in Otose's Snack bar, "No kidding… two hours, I take back my compliment."

"Data-conclusion 1:  _Subject A: a woman_  is afflicted by an irreversible mental disability."

His slumped body didn't move in silent approval.

She went on, "Data-conclusion 2:  _Subject A: a woman' s_ behavior during the sexual encounter shows multiple forms of comprehensiveness, selflessness, sexual skills and general kindness that are the external expressions of deep rooted feelings for  _Subject B: a man_. Unfortunately for the client, the exact nature of those deep rooted feelings is impossible to conclude giving the relative evasiveness of the story. However, those deep rooted feelings  _might_  be related to a very common and universal human affliction known as-"

"Okita-san… what are you doing here?"

He managed to turn his head and lock his empty red stare on a pair of very surprised glasses. At the same moment, standing on the bar with an ominous grin, the familiar orange-haired girl was shouting in their vicinity.

"OI MEGANE! I'VE GOT THE SADIST'S WALLET… IT'S OPEN BAR-ARU!"

 

"What? Did you expect me to pursue your sex education?"

After weeks of 'status quo' something had obviously triggered the young man to come here again and now he was standing in front of his desk with his stained uniform, Hijikata could try speculating endlessly about his presence here, but didn't care to; maybe it was simply the violent raid today that prompted this. The wide opened doors allowed a small rumor of insects and breeze to intrude the room, along with the fresh night air; a fortunate coincidence this late at night because Hijikata didn't want to share a confined space with Sougo. Sougo and his katana.

"Don't give yourself such credit, Hijikata-san."

"I don't recall you being that experienced." The Vice-Commander finally looked up. "Ah! The glare…Come on, you came here so bear with it."

And the brat did, as always. He had borne with the coldness and Hijikata wondered again why exactly he couldn't help being such a jerk towards the Okita siblings. No matter how much the kid still made him paid for that on a daily basis.

"Why did you sleep with me?"

"As far as I'm concerned, I didn't." Surprise and anger. And how comes all of a sudden Hijikata could read so many emotions on that normally stoic face? "I didn't go all the way, did I? So you're still pur-"

Click. The young samurai had already unsheathed and Hijikata didn't even see when the sword crushed the wood with a loud and quick bang. In one clean stroke the desk had been destroyed and his hands were only centimeters away from the blade.

 _Prodigy..._ His mind tried to process what happened, but no matter what he might anticipate Hijikata never really knew what to expect from the sadist.

The footsteps approaching redirected him to the present, even if they were alone in that part of the barracks the noise was still loud enough to draw attention. "Fukuchou? Fukuchou… are you all ri-?" The man's voice was silenced instantly by a glare thrown at him. Blood-red eyes saying it all.

Hijikata eventually deigned to respond, "Accident. Leave." The man watched them an instant, then left without being asked twice. Sougo glared at him again and waited until they couldn't hear him anymore.

"You owe me."

"I owe you nothing.  _You_  came to me that night."

"And you went along with it… and it didn't take much… as  _I_  recall."

Sarcasm filled Hijikata's voice, "You should feel flattered. Now go."

They glared and stared and the katana didn't move. His shoulders were aching from the grueling day and Hijikata finally expelled a long breath, "Go look at yourself in a mirror, and then tell me what's so surprising about it. Anyone could be attracted to someone like you."

That startled the young man, "But why you?"

"Because I have needs too! It's that simple!” he narrowed his eyes, “… Are you that much of a selfish brat for not admitting I wasn’t in my normal state that night? _You_ of all people should know."

And it was unsettling how unusual Sougo's behavior was tonight too.

"You're the adult, you should've-"

Hijikata stood up and grabbed his collar, "How long are you gonna use that for an excuse? You can cut people in two without batting an eyelash, yet you come here to whine on my shoulder about that? Get over it." The crimson eyes were perturbed, obviously, even if the brat tried to hide it. He released him and walked towards the garden, lighting a smoke and sat on the porch. It was warm outside and exhaustion took over at last, "Why do you need an explanation?" But he only heard silence under the dark sky, not wanting to expand the meeting Hijikata knew however that he had to. "Sometimes things like that happen, especially after a day like this one... nothing to get all worked up about." Those were hollow words but his voice sounded soft in his own ears and while glancing at the young man he realized that Sougo hadn't moved at all. “But it’s true, I’m the adult here… and I’m in the wrong.”

A composed voice finally emerged, "I'm a man."

"Tch… So what? It's that that bothers you?"

The answer was long to come. "No."

Hijikata exhaled smoke and looked back at the sky, he felt strangely calm, at peace, even if something heavy still weighted on his chest. Guilt, of course. Always guilt. But somehow, here, with the pressure long gone and in the presence of a person he had known for so long... someone with whom he had crossed that line, he let his thoughts wandered.

"I should go to Yoshiwara more often… women… always used to appease me..." And unaware of the burning eyes looking at him at that instant, he added absently, "And so should you... By the way, you did more than well today."

When he turned his head it was only to see tensed shoulders, sandy hair and a tightly held katana fading away.

 

Sougo walked and kept walking, as long and as far away as he could.

_"Go look at yourself in a mirror and then tell me what is so surprising about it."_

The demon had made love with him because he looks like her.

 


	5. Relapse

There was still that stupid idea in the air,  _his_ idea, and Sougo couldn't fathom why Gorilla had agreed with that nonsense. The Yoshiwara 'mission'.

He was cornered again in an endless monologue about physical needs and flower metaphors.  _Really Kondo-san?_  And of course the inevitable mention of true love and the distinction between the two. The she-gorilla popped up at least five times but Kondo-san kept trying to justify men's weakness for 'nature' and the sweetness of a woman’s touch. What would his mentor think if he told him he had spanked countless of his consenting SM partners… That thought occupied him a while during the babble. Although he had enjoyed those thrilling sessions, none of them had a sexual conclusion, not even the beginning of some arousal. Sadistic pleasure, yes. Sex, no.

An hour later, he wandered around the dojo instead of working on his week’s reports, in great need of fulfilling another natural urge; napping. The shinais clashed with shouts and heavy breathing, as always someone was training. He settled under his favorite tree, lying on the grass and sheltered by the shadow cast by the building, falling into nothingness. But soon the sounds coming from the dojo encompassed everything and his body reacted. He had recognized him. And the memories he had buried, successfully so for months, came back in a crescendo. He felt his pulse quickening, uncontrolled, and a now familiar sensation was rising in his body, blended with a shiver under his skin.

Minutes later he knew Hijikata had finished his training.

Hidden behind the doors, Sougo watched him resting against the wooden wall, still short of breath and glancing occasionally at the combat taking place in front of him. He looked younger with his dark hakama, similar to the one he wore in the past, in that other place, years before, and Sougo almost wondered why the long hair was gone.

He left before his emotions had the chance burst open in a destructive way.

 

Later that day, after an unusual amount of thinking, those emotions had been reversed for the better or the worst.

 

"Hijikata-san."

He wasn't ready for this, not tonight, not after exhausting his body. It had felt good, fighting and exercising, why had he come here to ruin it all?

"I'll go to Yoshiwara."

"Good. Now you can leave and tell Kondo-san."

Sat on the floor behind his desk he remembered that moment, the last time they were together here, in this room. Will the brat kill him for good this time? To maintain countenance he concentrated on his task, but the other approached and slowly kneeled next to him. His shoulder was close and he could hear his soft respiration. Hijikata wanted nothing else than him to disappear, because he felt both spent and weak.

"But what do I do with the woman?"

"Are you kidding me?" Hijikata knew he was.

"Of course I am."  _That brat is so-_ Sougo grabbed his hand, forcing him to stop, "I'll go to Yoshiwara, but before I want to know shudō… with you."

Hijikata froze. The silence in the room and the semi-darkness was almost unbearable and he wondered why his quarters were situated so far away from the others. But then, cursing his own stupidity, he remarked bitterly, "No you don't, what you want is to mess up ten years of hard work," he turned to face him, "Kondo's hard work."

Sougo stared, his eyes challenging. "You always try to twist things up so they fit your vision Hijikata-san, but that doesn't mean it's true."

Perhaps he was right. " _I_  make the rules, not you."

The conceited smirk appeared, "How about a new one: you cannot engage in a sexual relation with your subordinate or you will have to commit seppuku."

"That's good," he sneered and his eyes narrowed, "Keep going."

"How disappointed would Kondo-san be?"

Hijikata began to laugh because it was unreal; the brat was unabashedly being stupid for the heck of it, to get under his skin. "Well, that took you long enough," he dropped his pen but didn't bother to disentangle his hand, "Now what? Go… Tell him." Sougo didn't move, he just stared, his grip still firm and Hijikata couldn't look anywhere but the crimson eyes and the pale skin, "Why didn't you tell him right away?"

"No fun in that, I prefer torture on the long term." But those eyes were shining in a mixture of boldness and blankness, "And I wanted to do it again… and-"

And then Hijikata kissed him. He didn't care anymore. It felt wrong and right equally, warm and hesitant until Sougo shoved him aside. For a split second he thought that maybe he was actually going to kill him, because you never knew from one moment to the next what kind of mood he'll be in. But no violence, Sougo only went straight to door to lock it and come back. Now facing each other, Hijikata took the time to observe the young man, his delicate lines were as soft as he remembered, his face was aging but still harbored that youthful innocence, the one you could lost yourself into if you didn't know the sick mind behind it.

_It’s madness._

"Does it hurt?"

Hijikata didn't understand at first and his brow furrowed in confusion. Then, thinking of what they were about to do he smirked, "In your case your ego mostly."

But Sougo was serious, "Hijikata-san… does it hurt that bad?"

And he realized what… _who_ it was about and that they’d probably cut one another rather than saying her name aloud. When the young man wrapped his arms tightly around his neck, Hijikata knew he was damned.

 

"If you're sleeping here at least cover yourself."

Sougo opened his eyes, the Vice Commander was staring at him, dressed, and he was smoking.

"I'm not," Sougo sat up, spotted his yukata and dressed too. He glanced on his side and saw that the man was drinking sake. Tying his obi he eyed the bottle and said something stupid, "Hijikata-san, you surprised me tonight," that drew his attention. "Thought your sake would be mayo-flavored."

Hijikata gave his best Hijikata glare and a "Tch, you're an idiot" then he looked away smoking and drinking some more. Sougo observed as the lips were wet with the liquor, how his eyelids almost closed each time he took a drag and how that cigarette lingered carelessly between his fingers. That wasn't anything new, he had known those details for years, but somehow, now, they meant something different, he liked watching that and watching the man himself. After all, that was why he was attracted to him: his features, his body and those blue-grey eyes that were glancing at him. He still hated him but wasn’t embarrassed about being turned on by him. He wanted sex and got it and now was observing with fascination the reason his hormones were going wild.

And Sougo could turn off his own guild for one night, there was a tacit arrangement between them that this wasn’t going to be repeated.

"Stop staring at me like that."

"Why not?"

"I have reasons, I know that look. You're planning something."

"Hijikata-san you suck at mind reading."

"And you're creepy. Stop."

But he didn't, instead he lowered his gaze to the torso, the shadow of the yukata made his skin strangely mysterious. Sougo wanted to touch it again. "I didn't bring my katana."

"As if that would stop you."

He looked at his face again, "I want sake."

Hijikata was annoyed, a scowl graced his face, "Help yourself.”

When he will go back to his room, he knew he will reflect on what happened here, but shame... that was something Sougo was certain he would never felt. He looked at the bottle then at the man again, Hijikata wasn't paying attention, thinking... about something. Hijikata was always thinking. Sougo leaned over and approach near the other's lips and lick them, slowly. That immediately stirred sensations in him and apparently Hijikata too, given the bewildered look and husky voice.

"What was that for?"

"I want sake."

He kept searching sake again and Hijikata parted his lips. He licked his chin then his neck. They still weren't touching and the smoke consumed itself slowly, untouched. The skin was sometimes rough and other times soft. The soft parts send shivers thought him or maybe it was Hijikata's hushed moans he could hear in his head. Very slowly he approached and his hand slipped under that mysterious area. The skin tensed but he still didn't want to rush, he sensed a hand slowly sliding in his hair and they kissed again. At some point, he was vaguely aware of having straddled him, that the glass had fallen from the other's grip and the bottle pushed away. When Hijikata's hand slid between them and started to untie their obis, Sougo forced his own hand to stay still and then he slowly caress its way to Hijikata’s back.

 

Why didn’t he leave sooner? Maybe because shudō was what he truly wanted? Or maybe because the demon's eyes were more melancholic than usual but also strangely full of life.

 

"Yamazaki!!"

The useless spy choked on his rice when Hijikata yelled in the common room during breakfast. He was in a horrible mood, his jacket lying neglectfully on his shoulders, with dark rings under his eyes and his slumped body in need of a good rest. He'd just come back from night patrol and was reading the last reports. The guy was nuts, officially. Sougo eyed the papers and stared blankly, and of course Gorilla couldn't say anything even remotely useful. So he had to deal with that shit… again.

"Toshi, calm down."

The idiot Commander was grinning, all lovey-dovey from his last stalking trip or whatever that made him cheerful this morning. Well, Hijikata was glad about it but that wasn't the point.

"Hijikata-san, need some mayo with it?" The brat started pouring the condiment on the rapport, "Crap poesy calls for dog food."

"Stop that you moron!" He snatched the bottle from the sadist's hands before the other could empty it; he hadn't eaten yet. Then, he mustered his remaining, although sparse, self-restrain and gave the evil eye to the spy, "Explain!"

Normal again. The yelling demon, the annoying smart-ass sociopath, the mushy Commander and the anpan-obsessed stalker. The day after what Hijikata would call his relapse, he had given up trying to understand their relationship and their no-relationship altogether. He had thought a lot about the past, starting with Itou's death; something that still lingered in his mind surprisingly often. Then about their first meeting at the dojo, the first duel, the hostile eyes and the smiling sister. He was trying to make sense of it all or at least have some grasp on details that could explain how they had ended up in that situation. Maybe they needed to screw each other to get it off of their minds. And it strangely worked.

That night will be difficult to forget, he knew, but Hijikata was living with the belief that there was nothing to forget. It was beyond shame and remorse, they could die tomorrow after all, there was no time to waste on deep self-reflection. He hadn’t flinched when they their eyes met the day after, neither did Sougo. If anything it felt almost comfortable even if it wasn't. Sougo was back being his former self and Hijikata had to admit it was also easier for him to do so.

"Fu-…Fukuchou… I… how to say…" The guy looked miserable and a brief amount of pity passed through him but when his eyes landed again on the mayo-essay that moment evaporated. "Maybe… maybe I should rewrite it?" Yamazaki offered sheepishly.

"No need Zaki, Fukuchou loves your prose, you shouldn't disappoint him with shitty mean threats."

Hijikata tch-ed, the brat's voice was still irritating as hell. "Shut up!" And then he focused his attention on their resident robot-stalker, "Ya sure are going to do that ASAP… now leave before I behead you myself!"

"Come, come Toshi! Don't be so hasty," but then Kondo  _finally_  glanced down at the papers only to stare back seconds later at his subordinate, "Maybe you should do it now."

"But Commander, my break-" Yamazaki’s voice trailed off when the demon reached for his collar and next the spy ran for his life, or just ran out the room.

Sougo was observing him with those perplexing eyes and a flawless deadpanned face, "Mayonnaise’s really melting your brain."

"Die!"

His lips curved, "That's my line."

For an instant Hijikata wished he could decipher that smile because he suspected there was something behind it that needed to be figured out.


	6. Sentiment

His limp was annoying. His men were annoying. His TV show was annoying. Gorilla was annoying. As if he had never been injured before? And his memory was intact too, he remembered how tired and wounded he had been the last time, at least there wasn’t a sour aftertaste now, because Sougo had kept the letter Kirie had slid in his pocket.

He was getting sentimental, it was bad.

The only person who wasn’t annoying was the addict bastard, but only because they never really talked. One evening he was so tired of all the annoying morons that he went to his room. Hijikata said nothing, he was cleaning his katana, Sougo lied down on the tatami without a word, using his jacket as a pillow, and closed his eyes.

A while after someone called after mayora freak from behind the fusuma, "Fukuchou, your dinner."

A cold, deep voice uttered an exasperate sound. "Come in." The door slid open and Sougo felt annoyed anew and he wasn’t alone. "Are you standing here forever or what?"

"Aah… the Captain’s here!" Hijikata was glaring, probably. "Hum… everybody’s looking after him… Kamiyama and the Commander."

"Give me that tray and bring another one." No movements. "That was an order." The new recruit did what he was told and left.

"Hijikata-saaan, your recruitment skills suck."

"Shut up and eat."

He sat up slowly and took the rice bowl in his hands, Hijikata was reading and writing. No matter how he tried at this very instant, Sougo couldn’t manage to feel annoyed by the calmness of the atmosphere and it was _annoying_. He moved to rest his back on Hijikata's, "Don't mind?"

"First time you bother being polite with me."

“They hit my head pretty hard, won’t last.” They hadn’t and they both knew that, but it was one nasty recovery nonetheless. Sougo ate at peace, he also asked what he had been wanting to ask for two days, the real reason he was here. "Why you didn’t come to see me at the hospital?” Hijikata remained silent, Sougo sensed the slight movement of his arm writing. "Hijikata-s-"

"Shh… wait." 

His keen hearing was sharp, no doubt, and as the footsteps became louder Sougo moved away.

"Fukuchou?"

"Yes."

The door opened and puzzled eyes scrutinized his face, "Ah! You're awake Captain?” _Oh dear…_  There was a long sigh beside him. It could’ve been entertaining if his leg wasn’t hurting like hell, so he restrained himself from casting his most sadistic glare, there was no point dragging this out. "I told the Commander you were here, he was beyond relieved, he thought you left again without telling any-"

"Where's my mayonnaise?"

The moron instantly tensed, switching his gaze to the demon and sweat began rolling on his forehead, "I…I'm sorry…I'll-"

"No need. There in the closet."

He stumbled while putting down the tray, rushed to said closet and Sougo couldn’t help relishing in delight at the demonic effect on another human being. He even enjoyed it almost as much as when  _he_ was inflicting similar treatment. The dog food was found easily and Hijikata snatched it from the recruit’s shaky hands. 

Mayora freak had too many addictions to count _._ "Now go, Okita has work to do." The other was petrified… and didn’t fucking move…

Sougo chose that moment to chime in, "That's slavery, Hijikata-san... my muscles hurt so bad I can’t write shit."

"As if I could care. And you… scram or sit and fill that report." Some papers were thrown at his feet but the moron’s eyes finally lit up and he excused himself, bowing, just before running away.

Sougo looked over his shoulder, Hijikata's dinner was left untouched. "You don't eat?" he remarked flatly.

“Say what you want to say first.”

"You need to change the rule."

"Which one?"

"About shudō."

"Why would I?"

"It's outdated."

"Most of them are."

They paused, Sougo turned his body around to watch Hijikata properly, "Why didn't you come to see me at the hospital?"

"Too busy."

Hijikata was a heartless liar, he hates hospitals, that's why he hadn’t come to see him there. 

"Why did you sleep with me?" Sougo said.

 

A year old question and a useless one, how many times were they going to go through this? Hijikata replied tersely, "I already told you." When he glanced at his side, the red glare indicated that this response was unwanted, as expected.

Sougo continued, "You had sex with women.”

"Yes."

"You had sex with men."

"Yes."  _This is stupid_.

"You had sex with me because I look like her."

And just like that Hijitaka was silenced, for once at a loss for words. The rule was broken, speaking of her. He never wanted to dig deeper into his mind, he avoided and circumvented the idea multiple times and now it came back like a punch in the gut. The glare was still on him, Hijikata decided to say what made him die inside. The half-truth. "Yes."

A heavy silence fell between them. Sougo stood up and winced, resting a hand on his knee but he straightened up and headed to the door quietly.

Hijikata didn't know if he felt relieved or not.

 

*

 

Okita Sougo hates losing control. He hates showing weakness. And he hates being confused.

Something Hijikata had known for years and he didn't find himself the least surprised that, after their last conversation, Okita Sougo decided to concentrate on what he did best: being a sadist...

"Hijikata-saaan…" Leaning lazily on the white car, his bazooka on his shoulder, with a typical smirk, "You let Katsura escape again. And Takasugi. And their thugs. Doesn't that make you a failure?"

And a swordsman genius…

In shining black, perspiration flowing from his temples and arms, the practice shinai lowered, "Hijikata-san, how many times did I kick your ass already? I lost count. Please, don't waste my talent anymore."

 

Back to square one.


	7. Enemy

Sasaki's bullet had left a stinging pain and something to think about. He had a new enemy.

Maybe it was the letter, wordless as always, or the memories of his brother.  Or was it his friends or his lost love? Either way, he was feeling a long forgotten ache in his chest, and counted on alcohol to do the healing for tonight.

"Toshi?"

His back against the shoji, legs reposing comfortably on the engawa, Hijikata looked over to the smiling Commander and took the offered cup of sake in his hand. He would always regret his occasional weakness, "Kondo-san, I have something to tell you." He drank and, finally, poured out his heart, "After our internal war, after Itou died… I lost myself… I was truly, truly lost… for quite some time."

Kondo remained quiet and pensive before asking softly, "You believe I never think of quitting myself?" Hijikata startled, Kondo Isao, with his bright eyes and strong shoulders, looked very much like the young man who saved his life and future all those years ago. "I wouldn't let you deal with all those papers if I didn't! Hahaha..."

Responsibility, no burden, Hijikata struggled to keep it clean and done and dealt with in time. And kondo didn’t understand. "That's not it, I w-"

"Stop right now Toshi." The Commander's voice was determined, "I know how you feel… no, actually I don't. You've always had a more complex mind that I will ever have, but if you worry about something like that, it’s useless because it’s not as if we never noticed-" Hijikata tensed,  _they did notice_. "-but if I were to ask every single man in this organization, each one of them would say the same thing: You're married to the job. Nothing will change that and no one has ever doubted your commitment."

Kondo's view on life changing events or life itself had always been simple, yet often right. "I'm not sure if that's a praise or a curse."

"Hahaha! I mean that… look at you, you can't even keep that sort of things to yourself, right?"

It pained Hijikata that he  _could_  keep things to himself, important things, more than the Commander will ever realize. "Tch… I still waited almost a year to share that."

"True, true…” Kondo drank the content of his cup, “But you always say harsh things and act… how to say… more kindly… yes! That's what you do!"

 _Not always._  "Am I that easily readable?"

Kondo's voice became sharper, "Don't worry, there's some parts of you even  _I_  will never know… you're quite the secret man... like Sougo."

His heart skipped a beat and for a short instant Hijikata was certain that he knew, about everything, but when he looked into his eyes, no, that man didn’t and surely never suspected. And guilt, that awful guilt emerged again, twisting his guts. Hijikata looked away, "Maybe." Kondo was right again, even if he’ll never understand the weight of his words. But there was no sensible reason reminiscing, not now. "Oi… why are we celebrating? Elite scums screwed us over and got all the glory."

"Who cares, we got the nasty stains in return!” And Kondo started laughing, his guilelessness and cheerfulness rendering every single dark thought futile, just like that. Hijikata wished from the bottom of his heart that he could have the same carefree spirit. Even gifted for one single night.

After, during the long evening, they talked about that pain in the ass bum and the second bane of Hijikata’s existence: the Shiroyasha.

 

 

Head calmly resting on the wall thanks to the effect of alcohol Hijikata let his eyelids shut, but not for too long, his well-trained instincts urged him to move quickly, dodging the blade that pierced the washi.

“Dammit you sick bastard!” He shook his head, "Each time you're redefining the word unstable."

Sougo closed the door quietly, he approached and then hammered his sword between Hijikata's legs. With that uniform and the deadly red glare the Vice-Commander could picture with no problem why people called them dogs, enraged dogs, and this wasn’t the 'welcome home' he wanted to deal with.

The wild animal spoke. "Are you drunk?"

Unfortunately Gorilla had forbidden him to intoxicate himself any further and he had taken the bottle with him. Hijikata leaned his head back on the wall, "Not enough..."

"What you're gonna do?"

His head tilted up, "I'm not following."

"About Danna."

Of course Sougo would stick his nose into that. While he had been at the hospital Tetsu had pleaded the Yorozuya’s cause well enough and Kondo had released him the morning after. Hijikata hadn’t been able to do a thing about that and it didn’t matter anyway, as he would have done the same, most likely. But of course, now he had the time to reconsider: the silver ronin had still too many hidden secrets. He sighed, "I haven't thought about it yet."

"He's reformed."

“We don’t know that for sure.”

Sougo’s eyes narrowed, “He helped us. He helped _you_ , again.”

“I’m well aware.”

They glared at each other, neither willing to surrender. But then something happened, unspoken, as if they’d reached an agreement. A truce. Sougo put away his blade and sheathed it. In his drunken state, Hijikata wondered how, how on earth, could that happen? Why had they become like this? So close and so far.

Sougo leaned on he door frame and tilted his head. “Won my bet. I knew Danna was someone that must’ve participated in one hell of a fight at some point in his life, but… A Joui living legend? No wonder Kondo-san and you lost so pathetically against him.”

“Oi! It was a close fight.”

“What would’ve been our lives if Kondo-san had joined the Joui side?”

“Most of us would’ve been dead.”

“Anyway… after what Sasaki nii-chan has pulled off last week, we’re the swords that protect our chief more than ever, right Hijikata-san? You and I.”

“Sougo…” The young man looked at him, his face unreadable. “That’s what will happen one day: all of us ending up dead.”

“What else is new?”

“D’you realize it’s harder and harder to keep going being a ruthless killer. You’ve got more friends now than five years ago.”

Sougo remained silent and observant, Hijikata wasn’t sure why he had told him that, why it even mattered giving their circumstance. But then, Hijikata had never truly giving up the hope that Sougo could live a normal life… one day…

“Will Kondo-san think less of me, if I told him that the rotten top brass deserve half of the shits they’re getting from Katsura and the likes?” Sougo asked.

Hijikata smirked, “No, but it’s better not telling him.”

“I wasn’t going to,” the young man replied absently.

Hijikata still chose to believe that their friendship, whatever that word meant to them, had grown with time. The past didn’t need be to forgotten, only added to the already complex layers of their tenuous relationship. He didn’t know how Sougo handled the guilt, if he had any. He didn’t know how much Sougo despised him.

After he had left with a barely audible “goodnight”, Hijikata was still wondering about it.


	8. Future I

The rain.

"Sou-chaaan?"

A stifling heat... but how could he hear the cicadas if there was a downpour?

Not the rain, the bamboo fountain.

"Sou-chan?"

He had dreamed of the rain again.

Wanting to stretch his legs he realized he had slept on the floor without blankets or futon, he rubbed his tired eyes. The door slid open and his head jerked to the right, the sudden and unpleasant brightness making him squint. He distinguished vaguely the abandoned garden and a recognizable face, a face resembling his. But softer and smiling, less agitated.

"Sou-chan get up it's time, you'll be late."

The boy grumbled in complain, "A little more... please... Aneue..." A veil covered his sight, he fell back into limbo and the comfortable memory... the rain. With its unique scent...

"Sougo!" A strong male voice startled him, he was almost afraid, "Get up, Mitsuba-dono has prepared lunch."

"Kondo-san?"

The tall man was smiling and standing in front of the doorway, arms crossed on his navy blue uniform, he gave him a sympathetic look, "Get up, Fukuchou."

Stunned, Sougo sat, discovering with amazement that he wore the same uniform but it was too over-sized for his small body, with sleeves covering his hands. He was unable to move, anxiety rose in him but he did not know why, Kondo peered fiercely and he felt his heart beat faster. His sister seemed surprised, "This is what you wanted, is it not?"

"Where is the man?" He asked softly. 

"What man?" Kondo's voice was unsettling. That new, unpleasant feeling deeply sank in his heart, mingling with anxiety already here, everywhere. A feeling of unbearable loss and unspeakable... guilt.

Mitsuba smiled, "There's only us here Sou-chan."

Gasping, Sougo’s eyes snapped open and the ceiling faced him. Outside, the rain fell on the tiles and he could hear the gutters being overflowed. He brought a hand on his forehead, sensing the sweat on his temple and it took him a moment to come back fully to his senses. Now awaken, he could smell the scent and turned his head aside. His gaze set on the familiar arched back and the line of white smoke as the light scratching of a pen against the paper revealed itself despite the noise. Hijikata and his back, how many times had he seen that view?

"So that was your plan all along to end me: passive smoking."

Hijikata stopped writing and his body stiffed. What was he thinking? But Sougo didn’t wait for a rebuttal and forced his own body to sit up. He approached and leaned heavily on Hijikata, arm encircling his neck, his cheek resting on the shoulder, listening to the rain.

"Why d'you still come here if the smoke bothers you that much?" He liked it, sensing the voice vibrate through the body rather than hearing it, it was less cold too. Sougo could almost fall asleep again. Hijikata tugged on his long hair. “I told you to comb it.”

"I’m a hitokiri, if I don’t look thuggish they won’t fear me."

The other growled under his breath, "You’re just lazy."

Sougo ignored that and read the content of the letter, it was another planned ambush with Katsura’s crew. He smirked, "Your man crush on Elisabeth-san’s kinda disturbing." Hijikata sighed in annoyance. “You miss Danna, admit it already.”

His silence spoke volumes. There was an emptiness in this sickly world that no new alliances could erase. But Sougo wasn’t the sulking type and hated when he was remembering the past, which was why he stood up harshly, bumping into Hijikata’s arm on purpose and... "Ooh... that's a nice scratch."

Without fail, the former vice-commander was already fuming.

It had been easy after that, tricking him to start a combat in the decrepit dojo of their temporary headquarter. For sure, unwinding could be found in many ways and that was always his favorite choice. Hijikata was a good swordsman for sparing, due to his fighting style, even if Sougo almost never lost against him. The combat lasted half an hour and ended with the tip of Sougo’s shinai on his partner’s throat while the second shinai was abandoned on the floor.

“You should know when it’s coming,” Sougo said.

Hijikata pushed the shinai aside with the back of his hand, held his bruised elbow and smirked, he was too shrewd to contest the obvious. “You’re right… I should.”

*

"You're taking mine again!" At this rate his maintenance kit will be gone before the next week, "You have one, use it."

"Hijikata-san, don't be a selfish jerk." Imperturbably, Sougo slid the blade between the paper, his hand steady, putting great emphasize to show how much concentrated on a task he could be on the rare occasion he wanted to. "It's a present from Kondo-san, I want it to last longer."

"It's meant to be used idiot, now or next month, what difference?"

No response, only the soft tap tap tap of the powder ball, Hijikata looked back at his own task. They might not share their inner thoughts, but this had been their lives for the past five years. Their future had never been so bleak but Hijikata's pessimistic nature had always anticipated the worst. He felt vindicated in a way, although wished he had been wrong. The Shinsengumi was a shadow of its former self and yet... yet... as long as the three of them were still standing he had hope. Regardless if Kondo had changed. He glanced at Sougo, who was still the same albeit older and a bit wiser, and who was the only lover he had been with since Edo had fallen apart.

Later, the young samurai finally sheathed his katana, "Done. Give me yours."

"Not a chance you're touching that blade, I don't want it to be poisoned."

"See that's an interesting idea… I should've thought about that myself. Given how hotheaded you are, you draw at least ten times a day without a valid reason… neh Hijikataa-san… who's the one wasting oil?"

"Shut up."

He wasn’t finished, his face more blank than usual. "That night… you could've killed me if you wanted to."

“What night?”

"The first one."

Hijikata frowned, trying to recollect his memories. Did that mean Sougo had been chewing over that night for years? His understanding must’ve been reflecting on his face because Sougo's eyes narrowed too. But Hijikata still failed to see the relevance of what happen then, not after what they’d been through. "I doubt it."

The crimson eyes were still on him, unflinching. "It’s the truth."

And maybe it was true; Sougo had completely let his guard down that night, long time ago, something that had never happened before or after. "Why are you telling me this?"

No answer, instead the young man raised his hand, waiting. And Hijikata gave him his sword for the first time.

 


	9. Silver Soul

**Sunday**

"GIN-SAAAAN!"

_Fog... why it's so foggy?... and where… Oi! Head. Hurt. Too. Mu-_

"KAGURA-CHAAAAN!"

_Ah! Haha... that’s it…Yomi, it's Yomi... no worse... hell on earth... is th-_

The door opened violently, "Gin-san! Wake up, emergency."

Gintoki was lying on his futon, a hand on his chest, still in shock. "The only emergency is my unnaturally fast racing heart, Patsuan. I need milk, rosy milk."

"I SAID IT'S AN EMERGENCY! GET UP."

 

"Why me… why always me?"

"It's your responsibility you lazy waste of oxygen." The old hag expelled a large tobacco fog in his direction, "She's sick, you fix her. I don't want any more of those filthy stories in my bar."

Gintoki scratched his belly and eyed the green-haired robot who was, indeed, busy fast-printing her 'personal data conclusions' on the floor of Otose's Snack bar while an enraged Catherine tried, unsuccessfully, to catch the flying papers all around them.

"A bum spiked her drink yesterday." Gintoki glanced back at Otose, puzzled, and coughed after another smoky-fog was shot at him. "Detergent,” she clarified. 

"Mwahaha! Listen to that Gin-chan! Please Tama-san, only you can heal the hole in my heart. Please, marry me. I can't find sleep anymore, I dream about your naked body covered in anpan every nights and ever-

"Ka-Kagura-chan, stop that!" Shinpachi, very much red in the face, had just snatched away the compromising document from the Yato's grip.

Otose sighed, "See?"

Gintoki wanted his bed or his couch or his chair and his milk, thus he wisely headed toward the door. "Let's go take a walk, Tama.”

 

"She's expelling all the dirt from the dirty minds of Kabukicho's male population."

"Is that so?" Gengai sneered.

Gintoki switched on one of the ancient televisions in the workshop and sat in front of the weather news, at least something in this world was worth waking up that early. Sunday morning, no less. The old mechanic had been kind enough to open his atelier for him, although Gintoki knew he had a soft spot for the maid-robot. The clicks, clangs, bangs and tocs were almost like a lullaby while looking at Ana. When she disappeared with a smile he switched off and looked around. Bored, he picked up one the dirty sheet.

'My heart bleeds. I tried everything, even the darkest path of eating her fried eggs.'

'But she remains distant. Help me! I day-dream of her naked legs, her naked breasts, her nak-

He tore it up slowly.

_Sick gorilla pervert._

**Tuesday**

"Gin-chan, Gin-chan... listen this one: I will shot in the legs and then throw in jail every single worthless shit who lays a hand on my Kuriko... want to see?- BAM-BAM... HAAAAAA AAAAR-GHHH!... -Die you worthless shit! aru - But your daughter is not here sir - It's prevention, aru - It's attempted murder - What's your name again? I like y-"

"KAGURA-CHAN! I already told you to stop that! Gin-san say something!"

Gintoki decided it was time for him to stop reading his Jump and headed to the entrance door.

"GIN-SAN!" Shinpachi glared at him in reproach. _Teenage hormones are noisy._ "Where are you going?"

He turned slightly and gazed upon his shoulder the two bane of his existence, "I have a date."

 

"Mayora-sama… long time no see."

It had started well, with a parfait... and then a second. Even if that ugly scowl was getting more and more prominent, it didn't ruin Gintoki's sweet free snack. Unfortunately that was the moment the vice-chief tax robber chose to get to the point of this 'date' situation and the silver ronin was shaking his head in disbelief at the insanity.

"You're an idiot."

The idiot smirked, "Hijikata-kun… if you had breasts, I'd woo you."

"SHUT UP!… And answer me!" Mayora tightened his fist on the table.

"Mah… which question exactly?"

Hijikata seemed hell-bent on getting what he wanted. "All of them."

Gintoki pushed aside his empty cup and started counting on his fingers. "One: no, I don't believe in reincarnation. Two: yes, nicotine got to your head so bad I'm starting to pity the men under your command. Three: I'm gonna skip this one. Four: As you can see I'm very much alive and you're still a government cockroach cock-blocking my precious time at the pachinko parlor. Five: why I am listening to you? that's the only legit question here. Six: if you guys truly, _truly_ have collective nightmares about me being dead for years and Edo going to shit, maybe you can collectively check into the psych ward and leave, us-" he emphatically gestured toward the others customers around them, "- _sane_ citizens alone."

He smirked.

Hijikata glared at him for a whole minute. Then, his usually harsh, unflinching features softened, he exhaled smoke slowly, stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray and got up. "Apologies for wasting your time." With no other words, he left the restaurant.

In the crowded room, Gintoki's gaze set on the three empty parfait cups. 

He had weird dreams too.

 

**Wednesday**

"Omae no Tou-chan…Chome-Chome…"

Gintoki and Kagura were petrified on the couch, eyes fixated into the void or more acutely on the very busy and singing Shinpachi and his vacuum cleaner.

"Gin-chan, I'm scared."

"Chome-Chome…"

"It's worse and worse."

"Chome-Chome…"

Kagura placed a hand on her stomach, "I'm hungry."

"Chome-Chome…"

Gintoki felt sick, "It's worse than worse."

 

**Friday**

"Oi, Gin-chan this one is fun: Two men… no… a man and a woman. The man is - A virgin, aru - How many people asked you that alrea-"

"ENOUGH!"

SNATCH! SCRATCH! BAM!

After his new outburst Shinpachi stormed off the apartment, red and sweating, while a blank-faced Kagura blinked in stupor.

"What's up with him?"

No response from her lazy sorry excuse of a guardian who was sleeping on the couch, or not really, a Jump strategically reposing on his face. Kagura sat on the ground and started poking his shoulder. Again, no response. She started hitting. A grunt. She started punching...

"Oi... Gin-san's lost in sweet sugary dream."

"Gin-chan, I think our Pachie boy needs a girlfriend who's not digital."

No response.

"Gin-chan... I'll kill you if you ever die."

A slow movement, Gintoki peeked at her from behind his jump. "Duly noted, now let this old man catch a well-earned rest, will ya?"

Kagura grinned before slapping his forehead, "No way! Shinpachi left without cooking dinner. Ya're my guardian, feed me or I call child protection!"

 


	10. Reality

A small breeze was cooling the air while Hijikata paced aimlessly in the quiet courtyard, the sun had set an hour ago. It was too quiet.  In normal times, when half of the men were on duty, the other half rarely went unnoticed, even more nowadays with the increase in recruits over the last few weeks. But the streets of Edo seemed quieter for some reason, although nothing had changed and Hijikata had a hard time explaining that sensation to himself. 

He had spent the day with Matsudaira and his restructuring plan. Kondo, being the coward that he was when it came to administrative efficiency, had thrown in the towel early this morning, mumbling a vague "Toshi this is too much for me" and "You're the thinking man here." The volatile superintendent had also reminded him of the stakes and he was willing to push the Shinsengumi even more toward the Shogun’s entourage.

That meant trust but also that the balance between the different organizations was tenuous at best.

He sensed it right away and ducked at the last second while the explosion brought a definitive end to the calm atmosphere, leaving a trail of remaining smoke, that awful characteristic smell and a burning tree.

"DAMMIT YOU SICK BASTARD!"

"Ooh… it's you?"

"Of course it’s me!"

"I thought you were a panty thief." Hijikata didn't deign to start an argument, he wasn't in the mood, but Sougo somehow always felt the necessity to choose the opposite way. "Why you're here?"

"I live here!"

"Hijikata-san... I meant, what are you doing  _here_?"

He glanced around. It was the eastern barracks and first squad quarters, Hijikata hadn't realized where his feet had brought him, but not willing to let himself be disturbed he simply stated the truth. "Walking." With the bazooka on a shoulder and half hidden by the dark, Sougo's face was difficult to read, a small light on the nightstand in the distance diffused an orange color. Hijikata narrowed his eyes, "What are  _you_  doing here?"

"Sleeping."

"You're supposed to be on patrol with your men."

"Shimaru-niisan kindly replaced me." 

He gritted his teeth around the cigarette, enjoying less and less the encounter. "Why don't I know about that?"

A lazy shrug. "Must've forgotten to tell you… I’m sick and he needed company after being dumped by Katsura like a used tissue."

"You mean forgotten to ask."

"That too."

"Fine… you'll both get sanctions," and Hijikata began to retrace his steps only to stop after a few meters when the blank voice rose again. 

"We didn't ask because you'd have refused, as usual."

"I'm not making exception for officers."

"And yet you go easy on the newbies."

He turned around, although he shouldn't have and cursed himself for that. "I don't."

"Oh really?"

He shouldn't have done that because Sougo had advanced slightly, his eyes reflecting the fading flames nearby. Hijikata thought about shoving his hands in his pockets but they were already there. "Shinsengumi needs to expand… they'll have the same treatment as older members later."

"That's a screwed up reasoning."

"That's strategy."

"You mean tactic?"

"Works just fine." Wherever this was going, it was already absurd.

"I thought you were the brains here and you can't even tell the difference between strategy and tactic?"

 _Absurd or stupid_. "Of course I do, I'm tired that's all."

"No, you're incompetent."

"Tch! I'm babysitting three hundred men-" he glared at him intently, "their stupidity’s contagious."

Of course the deadpanned voice kicked in again. "Oooh... finally admitting you're not up to the job?"

"No!" He exhaled both nicotine and his growing irritation. "Why are we having this conversation?"

"You trespassed on my courtyard."

"It's Shinsengumi courtyard, idiot." 

"It's first squad courtyard and why are you smoking, rotten vice chief?"

"A smoker smoke… usually."

"Not in my garden… get lost."

"It's not your garden… psycho."

"Addict freak."

"Sadistic freak."

In the semi darkness Hijikata noticed Sougo lacked his usual low-key energy, the one no one should ever underestimate. The air was still polluted by the smell of gunpowder and an electric silence surrounded them.

"You’re sick?”

“It’ll pass.”

That should be enough to get him out of here but Hijikata didn’t move. “Kondo-san isn’t feeling good either these days.”

Sougo leaned on the door frame of his room and lowered the bazooka on the floor. “He told me he had nightmares about Onee-san being terminally ill and that his dear friend Katsura lost an eye or something...” He waited for Hijikata to comment on that, but the vice-commander couldn't even think of a coherent sentence after that information. Why did Kondo tell him that kind of stuff?

“I dreamed Danna was a dick,” Sougo added.

“How’s that a dream?”

“A  _real_  dick.”

Hijikata sighed, he had brushed aside many ideas over the last few days, but those dreams started to pill up at a disturbing rate. He approached, stepped on the porch and leaned against the wall next to the young man. He observed the smoking tree, ashes fell from his cigarette. “… I dreamed he was a Tendoshu… and we fought with him during the war.”

Sougo remained quiet. Which meant he either didn’t have anything to say or that wasn’t something new to him. Which also meant… Hijikata again brushed aside the memories. When he looked at the young man, all he did was to act on his instinct, to be sure. He raised a hand and put his palm on Sougo’s forehead, feeling the warm, sweaty skin under his fingers and the slightly damped hair. Too warm. Sougo watched him back, impassible. No threats, no attempt to push his hand away, if Hijikata wanted to he could slide his hand to the nape. He did. It was a benign fever, a cold probably. The voice was also serene when Sougo finally said something.

“You should leave,” but still no movement. “I don't wanna deal with your shitty remorse tomorrow.”

Hijikata removed his hand slowly. "Take a medicine at least."

“Is that an order?”

“Kondo-san will tell you the same in the morning.”

“He’s not here now.”

Hijikata smiled, turned around and walked away, “Then yes, that’s an order.”

He felt appeased, for once certain that Sougo will listen to him without a single protest of any form.

 

 


	11. Shogun

"There’s no way in freakin’ hell I’m gonna take orders from you Yorozuya."

If he tried harder it could work, he believed that, but Sakata’s head remained intact and so was that smug smile plastered on it. Drilling a hole into that skull by sheer will wasn't much effective, although it was kind of a tranquilizer. 

Kondo cleared his throat, "No need to be hostile Toshi, we’re all here to work together."

"Mayora’s kinda ungrateful if you ask me.” Hijikata flinched at the baseless accusation, he was on edge from the severe lack of nicotine in his blood system. “How many times did we save your collective asses, remind me?"

 _Calm down. Breathe_. He should start practicing yoga when the operation’s over. "That's not the point.”

"Hijikata-san it's true, how many times did Danna save your ass exactly?" He wanted to try that drilling thing on Sougo who was sat next to him and who had no business being here to begin with but he dismissed the idea.  _Too distracting._ Instead he settled on glaring harder than ever… and Sakata smirked wider than ever.

"We saved your shitty ass too, gaki." Of course he had brought along the yato girl and four-eyes with him, hopefully Sougo won’t take the bait.

"Show me your ID card."

"No freakin’ way in earth I’m gonna take orders from tax robbers."

"Beggar."

"Lazy asshole."

"Ooh…" the captain tilted his head, "you're on your period again."

She blinked once, a heavy silence filled the room and then "Gyaaaaaahhhh!" In a fraction of second they were both hitting, dodging, kicking, smacking with feet, hands, heads all over the table until Kondo and Sakata separated them with a sharp smack behind their heads. It crossed Hijikata’s mind to take the dignified way and let them all swallow into their never-ending idiocy.

But he decided to stay, out of duty.

Dismissing the usual routine fight, Shimura pursued as if nothing happened, "If you think about it, the most dangerous spot is there. Gin-san's taking all the risks."

The kid apparently thought the information could interest him or change his mind, so Hijikata threw him a glare too. “You slacker lot wanna nap inside the litter during the travel while we have to walk, that’s all.”

"Toshi, enough. It’s because there’s more danger taking the spot that we refuse."

“Exactly,” the vice-commander nodded in approval, for once his personal wish meshed well with his line of work. “I refuse to let  _you_  be the shogun’s stand-in, get it?!”

"Gin-chan's  _our_   fake shogun, it’s that or nothin’!"

Hijikata snorted.

"Hum... Kagura-chan, that's more complicated than that, there’re many people involved in the operation."

"Oi Patsuan, on which team you’re on? I'm your Boss remember, I pay you-"

This time Shimura snorted, followed quickly by china girl. Hijikata drummed his fingers on the table, "Fine… all settled. Kondo-san’s gonna do it.”

The Yorozuya still wouldn’t give up. "How ‘bout we cast a vote?"

“How ‘bout I kick you out?”

"I don’t mind if it’s you Danna but Kondo-san’s our leader. Sorry, maybe another time.”

"Toshi has my entire trust tactic-wise.”

Sougo snorted.

“Excuuuuuuuuuuse us… we'd like to object."

Hijikata glared and then scanned the room smugly, with Yamazaki they were four against three. "If we vote you gonna loose.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you and thank the Sugar god I’m not. See… you filthy tax robbers got some serious nerves... we can't allow ourselves being under such a stinking leadership," Sakata closed his eyes and crossed his arms on his chest, "Kagura-chan…" 

"Yes Shogun-sama," she slammed a pile of paper on the table and read aloud. "Please submit your question – Most men lack serious discipline – Sir, this is a rather complicated issue that could take hours of analyze, could you be more specific please? – Want a cigar? – I don't smoke sir, but thank you aru – Good… girls shouldn't smoke – What was your question sir? – Yes… right… why does my daughter attract all the perverts of this damned city even when I have a security team looking after her 24h/24h? – Is she pretty? – Of course, she has it from me-" Hijikata froze in dismay and incomprehension. Was he going insane? What the hell was that now? He caught the perm-head staring at him, amused, and glanced around, he could feel in the air this wasn’t good. “I will shot in the legs and then throw in jail every single worthless shit who lays a hand on my Kuriko... want to see? - BAM-BAM... HAAAAAA AAAAR-GHHH!... - Die you worthless shit! aru - But your daughter is not here sir - It's prevention, aru - It's attempted murder - What's your name again?– Tama, sir –"

Kondo slammed a fist on the table. "STOP! I... I vote Sakata-san!"

"WHA’!?"

"Me too!" Yamazaki was livid.

Beepbeepbeeeeeeeeeeeep. Hijikata had only time to execute an awkward dive and cover his ears… **KABOOM!**

_I’m gonna kill. them. all._

Sitting up, he waited for the smoke to dissolve while a giant hole on the wall appeared before his blurry eyesight. Shimura had dodged and in any case he wasn't the target. At long last, a silver head and an orange one popped up looking over their shoulders, only to shrug and face them again. Hijikata turned to his side, to Sougo who shot death glares at the duo, hand on the hilt of his katana, bazooka on his shoulder.

"OI! WHAT'S GOIN’ ON HERE?" No answer.  _Unbelievable_. "GORILLA!" But the commander was petrified, his face a fierce red and small tears rolling on his cheeks.

"How much?" Sougo's voice was critically scary but Sakata, unmoved, picked his nose while the girl smirked.

"Not for sale."

Four-eyes on the other hand was sweating and trembling. "Gin... Gin-san... that's blackmail."

Hijikata then turned to the spy, "Zaki?!”

"Plea… please… Fukuchou… I vote seppuku…"

"You-" Hijikata stood up and grabbed the Yorozuya’s collar, "explain that shit asap or I’m nailin’ ya on the entrance door by the balls."

Unfazed, he dug his pinky in his right ear, "Nothing to explain. Vote's closed, you lost."

"THAT’S NOT A VOTE! Blackmail? How many months in jail it’s gonna cost you hah? I couldn’t give a damn about Totsan’s dirty trips in your dump!"

Sakata sneered, "Matsudaira? Fufufu… I've got juicier stuff Hijikata-kun… "

"Yo… Yorozuya’s our new shogun!"

Hijikata's grip loosened when he heard the commander pleading behind him.

"Bow to Sho-chan, Mayora.”

The dead-fish eyes fixed him and Hijikata stopped thinking and aimed for the neck, strangulation seemed the lawful solution. But hands and arms from everywhere blocked his movements, the treason was on full display when Gorilla, a firm grip on his wrist, looked at him straight in the eyes, "Respect Shogun-sama, Toshi. That's an order."

 

 


	12. Future II

The streets were deserted, many buildings had been evacuated for weeks and the remaining people left in the city shut themselves in every night at dusk, just before curfew. This part of the district bathed in darkness as they no longer had a sustainable public lighting and the distant rumor of bike engines filled the air, it was thugs ravaging the leftovers. Hijikata turned slightly at the sound of footsteps behind him, Sougo stood here in red and grey, his face hidden under a large straw hat. They hadn't seen each other for weeks.

"Bored?”

Hijikata wanted to say yes, he was bored out of his head due to a lot of things but most of all of inaction, for so long. "Almost." It was time to leave as there was nothing worthwhile he could achieve at this moment and he was about to retreat in the direction of their hidden headquarters, not far from the former palace, expecting Sougo to follow. He stopped in his tracks after passing by him and glared. “You think I’m stupid?”       

“I’ve seen worse,” Sougo replied.

Hijikata wasn't in the mood for games, he lifted a hand and pressed his palm against his forehead, sweaty and burning. “How long it’s been like that?”

“A month, maybe.”

His indifference towards his health had Hijikata riled up more than once, every time Sougo was on a spying mission in the countryside or elsewhere, sleeping in slums or under bridges, he couldn't be bothered with taking care of himself properly. But there was no point fighting him on that, a battle of wills that was lost in advance. He knew better. 

"We go home and you take a bath. Yamazaki has collected new medicines last week."

"Feisty," Sougo deadpanned. 

 

*

 

Hijikata never had patience with hair, in particular his own when it was long, he was glad to cut it after they had gotten their uniforms, but he hated the unkemptness and Sougo’s had plenty. He pulled harshly on the wet, tangled light-brown mess with a broken comb.

"That hurts."

Hijikata tch-ed through his smoke, Sougo leaned his head on his torso after another indelicate pull.

"What?"

“I said: that hurts,” and then Sougo stole the cigarette and threw it inside the tea pot nearby. Hijikata couldn’t say a thing, he shouldn’t have been smoking here in the first place. But Sougo was still leaning heavily on him.

“What now?”

His shoulders moved in a lazy shrug, "I like living."

This was an unexpected reply, and a comforting one to Hijikata, because Sougo always seemed so carefree that you could almost believe he didn’t treasure life as much as he should, except when it involved protecting Kondo. In sadist language perhaps it meant something. Something Hijikata knew, deep down, was close to what normal people called feelings, whatever they might be. This was also as far as Sougo was willing to express anything towards him other than indifference. Years ago, it was only hostility or contempt. As for Hijikata himself, his touch and caress should be enough in that regard. If Sougo failed to pick up on it, that wasn’t his concern. But of course he did, otherwise he wouldn't stare at him like that, with those burning eyes, while entwining a free hand with his own like he was doing right now. Trying to read into his soul.

 

*

 

Hijikata was showing signs of aging, slowly, but still...

Hijikata who had let him do whatever he wanted. Hijikata who shouldn’t be so unguarded while asleep.

 _Hijikata_ …  _Hijikata_ …

“Tou… shi… rou…” Sougo still felt feverish from his cold and traced the wrinkle between Hijikata’s eyes with his finger, “What a stupid name.”

A name not worth following into the grave, if he ever had to, and yet Sougo had decided years ago that he will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	13. Stray

What a choice… damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Hijikata has made a non-choice and it’s up to each one of them to decide their personal fate, such a contrast to their life within the Shinsengumi. But that’s gone forever now. One day they were guarding the bakufu, the other they were disbanded. Sougo never liked life lessons; they’re too preachy, too serious, too complicated, and it’s always been easier having someone else make the decision for you. Be it his sister, Hijikata or Kondo.

At this rate, he’s going to lose all three and then there won’t be any choice to make.

Coincidentally, if that happens, Sougo can be free to let go the pretense and embrace his killer side. It’s always been inside of him anyway, mostly dormant, but no one will be here to impose him rules. There was a time breaking rules to save the Shinsengumi with Kondo and Hijikata was fun, even if it led to even more complicated feelings that will never going to be resolved.

Sougo’s been sitting for hours on that bench trying not to think of Soyo hime and how he failed her. It makes him angry and sad, that’s a distraction, and because the alternative, meaning thinking of Kondo, is a hundred time worse. He can also hate on Hijikata again and again, and hate on his non-choice. He hates it because there’s a tiny possibility that it was the right choice after all, no matter how disgusting the idea is. It’s a simple math problem: one man’s life versus hundreds.

It’s almost dawn. It’s the first day of his homeless and friendless life.

Hijikata’s somewhere hiding in the city, Sougo is sure, laying low for other people’s sake even if it’s probably killing him to do nothing.

It feels like being paralyzed.

 


	14. Home

It’s an ugly scar right across the face, unavoidable, and also the sign of resilience.

Kondo’s scar is that prominent they can’t allow him to walk around in the streets unmasked. He doesn’t like it, he likes talking to people. Sooner or later Hijikata thinks he’s going to blow up their cover, acting like nothing has change, like he isn’t the most wanted man in the country. But until that day comes, they can enjoy a little peace of mind. They probably don’t deserve it, Hijikata’s not sure anymore. Edo is so close and so far, he’s wondering what the Yorozuya is up to these days, but tonight’s their first night back in the countryside since they left all those years and they’ve been drinking and partying to wash away the past.

 

Hijikata leans toward the hearth in the middle of the room, old ashes have spread beyond the blackened beams and the mats are burnt in places. He lights a fire and then sits down to watch the flames slowly taking shape. His hands lay on his thighs and he’s surprised at how much they look damaged. The reflection of the flames dances on his profile. It’s the dead of the night and the men are scattered around, drunk and asleep, he’s sobered a little but he’s not interested in resting, he can do that tomorrow. Their schedule is empty.

Someone steps inside and approaches, it’s Sougo, he sits next to him and they remain silent for a while, facing the firelight too miniscule to reveal the whole room. All they can hear are the crackling of the flames and the noise of the crickets outside that stops and then begins again, then stops once more.

“It’s not that cold outside or are you still drunk?” Sougo remarks.

Hijikata glances at him without saying a word, then he pulls his pack of cigarettes out of his sleeve and throws it in the fire. “I always act on purpose, don’t you know?” In this new life, maybe’s the time to throw away bad habits.

“Is that true?”

No, it’s not, but what’s the point of admitting that now. They’ve been communicating like this for ages.

“We had a hearth just like this one in our house.” Sougo rarely talks about the past, but that’s not a memory wrapped with sorrow for once, on the contrary.

“I remember,” Hijikata mutters.

The Okita residence wasn’t particularly imposing to begin with and the roof needed repair, they also kept unused rooms closed which made it even more modest in appearance. It was isolated from the village and Kondo’s dojo but Hijikata remembers he never felt the distance while walking there several times per week. He emerges from his reverie when Sougo lies on his back beside him, his head turned towards the fire and his tired eyes watching the log burn.

Shortly afterwards, Sougo has fallen into a deep sleep while Hijikata waits for sunrise.

 

 


	15. Old and new

“And the feudal era collapsed with the arrival of the Amantos and blah blah blah… the end.” Sougo shuts the book unceremoniously, pushes it aside, and slumps on the table. He closes his eyes and waits. 1…2…

He can hear the crumpling of the newspaper and then Hijikata admonishes, “What the hell was that?”

“I’m done.”

“You’re not until Kondo-san says it’s done.”

“I’m too old for home schooling.” There’s no reply after that, because Hijikata knows he’s right, because Hijikata was forced to play the tutor and he loathes that idea too, because Kondo has gone mad the last few days. Maybe the imposed separation with Otae was too much for him and thus he decided to revert to bullshit nostalgia, from bygones days, when Sougo was sixteen and they were all pretending he was getting some education instead of killing people. The silence is unbearable. “What about you? Need to sharpen that famous brain of yours before it becomes senile.”

“I’m not an intellectual.”

Sougo sits up, head resting on the back of his hand. “Hijikata-san, do you even hear yourself? Do  _I_  look like an intellectual?”

“Chief’s order.”

Inaction never sits well with Hijikata and it shows, he’s fuming inside, they’re supposed to extend Katsura’s network outside of Edo but also to stay underground as much as possible, especially them, the former heads of the Shingenshumi, recognizable by many enemies, even here. Meanwhile, Yamazaki has never been so overworked in his entire life.

Sougo sighs, he’s bored and alone with Hijikata. Never a good combination.

“Very well, let’s talk about shudo.”

“No we’re not.”

“Why? That’s what we did.”

Hijikata throws him a sharp glance, “No. We didn’t.”

“Hmm… so if I understand right… because I was over eighteen it gives you good conscience?” he sees him flinch, slightly, Sougo realizes he’s never given Hijikata’s feelings on the subject much thoughts. “I  _was_  over eighteen...” This doesn’t seem to have the intended reaction, the vice-chief’s discomfort is plain to see if you know him well, and Sougo has plenty knowledge regarding that subject. “The boss lady is the same age as me.”

“…And your point is?”

“People don’t care about the age gape between her and Kondo-san.”

Hijikata’s eyes stays focused on the newspaper. “That’s different.”

“Oh… so you are sexist.”

“Are you done with the bullshit?”

“No. I’m not.” Maybe he shouldn’t beat a dead horse, Hijikata will inevitably end the conversation or Sougo will inevitably reject any sign of empathy. “The guilty conscience… is it because you lusted after me when I was fifteen?”

“Most definitely not.” After a long silence Hijikata looks up and Sougo stares at him, impassible, he wants to see how far he can push him. “You’re taking me for a criminal?”

Sougo should stop now, it’ll only bring him headaches, tormenting Hijikata to hurt him has lost its appeal long time ago. “Who knows?” But he’s still doing it for entertainment value.

“What the-” Hijikata appears offended for real and all that shit. “NO and shut up already!”

“Interesting… basically, had I never thrown myself at you that night, you wouldn’t have done a thing.”

“You want me to say it crossed my mind before we did it?” Now that it’s mentioned, yes, maybe Sougo wants to know after all, although he’s already figured out the answer. Hijikata puts the newspaper down and gets up without looking at him. “Not once,” he says coldly.

How predictable.

Sougo’s eyes drift to the garden. He’s going to sneak out as soon as Hijikata leaves, the others do the same, he needs a more sophisticated disguise than them though, but he can be stealth when he really wants to. “I was lusting after you when I was fifteen,” he says out of the blue. A shame. Hijikata must’ve heard.

Not that it matters.

“And you ask why I do feel guilty?”

Sougo looks over his shoulder, he hasn’t thought of an answer. He hasn’t any. He doesn’t know what Hijikata is thinking either or what does that expression on his face mean. He’s bored and needs to do something useful. “Doesn’t matter.” He lays his head on the table, pretending to take a nap. Or maybe he will take one… so he can be out all night.

He’s drifting slowly but someone pulls his hair and forces him to look above. What an annoying thorn in his side. Hijikata is glaring, “Are you still a brat or not?”

Sougo shakes his head slightly as a no and stares back. He’s waiting and waiting and waiting for him to leave but instead Hijikata kisses him.

Last time was months... no, years ago. He almost forgot how good it feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick update to say that there won't be more chapters/drabbles. This "story" ends on a good note, you can imagine the rest: complicated but together. It's been a joy to write.


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